Paradise Lost: A Ten-Minute Play
An adaption of John Milton’s Paradise Lost, Book 9
Created collaboratively by the students of ENG 020.301 on Tuesday 12/5/17
ADAM: “Godlike erect” with a huge forehead and Mel-Gibson-in-Braveheart hair.
EVE: “Soft and sweet” with large amounts of Gwyneth-Paltrow-like blonde hair.
SATAN: Dressed in a snake suit with WAY too many legs.
SCENE 1: Eden at dawn, ADAM and EVE are tending the garden
EVE: Hey! Let’s split up so that we can rip out more weeds – we are talking too much!
ADAM: Good thinking – but then again, talk and smiles are food for the mind and we’ll have kids soon to help us. Plus, remember God said there was evil lurking under a leaf somewhere getting ready to tempt us – best to stay together.
EVE: Don’t you trust me?!
ADAM: Of course! But I want to spare you pain – let’s face the temptation together!
EVE: But, wouldn’t resisting the temptation only prove the strength of my virtue?
ADAM: Maybe, but remember that sometimes Reason can be deceived into thinking something is good when it is really bad.
EVE: Ok thx bye! (Eve dashes into the woods)
SCENE 2: Enter SATAN in the form of a serpent
SATAN (to himself): Gee, I hope Eve’s alone….
EVE appears alone, singing to herself
SATAN (to himself): Damn! She’s so pretty. And she’s alone…perfect!
SATAN (addressing EVE): Hey, girl.
EVE: How’d you get so smart? You’re talking! I’ve never seen one of God’s creatures speak.
SATAN: Well, little lady. If you eat from that tree over there, you’ll be just as knowledgeable as me.
EVE: Oh no but I was told not to eat from that tree. I don’t want to disrespect Adam.
SATAN: Don’t you worry, I’ll protect you. Why don’t you follow me?
SATAN shimmies toward the tree
EVE: Oh goodie!
EVE follows stage left
SCENE 3: EVE and SATAN arrive at the Tree of Knowledge
EVE: Idk why we went on that long journey. These are nice fruits, but God said nah.
SATAN: What do you mean? God said you can’t eat any of these fruits? And he’s trying to tell you you’re “lords” of the garden?
EVE: We can eat all the other fruit, it’s just this one we can’t eat or we’ll die.
SATAN: (summoning the eloquence & posture of the Greek & Roman Orators): Queen, nobody’s gonna die. Look at me! I ate the fruit and I’m still here, living swell. God’s petty for trying to keep you stupid. How do you know God even knows what he’s talking about? Who is this God character, anyway? How is he going to kill you?
EVE (to herself) : It does look like a pretty good fruit. You right, serpent. That snake is very alive and he talks. God’s not gonna get me. YOLO.
EVE eats the fruit. Sky gets cloudy and the plants start to wilt. EVE doesn’t notice.
EVE: Ok. THIS is the best fruit. Tastes good and gives knowledge? Perfect. Now I have knowledge and experience to follow, don’t need God ordering me around anymore. He probably didn’t even see me. This knowledge stuff is pretty good. Time to go share this with Adam so we can be happy together… or die… together.
SCENE 4: ADAM, bearing a wreath of flowers, meets EVE carrying a branch of fresh apples
EVE: Oh Adam! Haven’t you been wondering where I’ve been? Guess what?! The tree that God told us is dangerous is actually delicious! The serpent ate an apple and now he can think and speak like a human and I ate an apple and now I can feel godlike knowledge coming upon me! You should try it too!
ADAM (dropping the garland and turning white): Oh my god Eve! What have you done!? Do you want to die!? We are both going to die!
ADAM (taking a deep breath): Ok, so let’s think this through. Would God really destroy his most beautiful creatures? Is it in God’s nature to un-create what he has created? Well, whatever happens I will stand by you. We are one. If you fall, I fall.
EVE: Oh Adam, I knew you really loved me! What wonderful proof of your love this is! Together we will commit the ‘crime’ of tasting the fruit – though I can’t believe that it is a bad thing – the fruit smells like life not death. Taste it! (She throws her arms around ADAM)
ADAM smiles fondly at EVE and takes the fruit and bites into it. The two then feast upon fruit until their faces grow red and their bodies relaxed.
ADAM (eyeing EVE with desire): Eve you have excellent taste – a very discerning palate! What a delight this fruit is! Why did we abstain for so long? Forbidden things are delicious! Come, now that we are refreshed let us play!
ADAM takes EVE by the hand and leads her into a flowery bower.
SCENE 5: ADAM and EVE awaken feeling uneasy
ADAM (appears wasted): What did we do last night?
EVE (groggy): I don’t know, but it didn’t sit well in my stomach.
EVE jumps up, runs to a near bush, and vomits violently.
ADAM looks aghast.
ADAM (visibly repulsed): Gross.
EVE (turns back around, looks at ADAM and eyes widen): Ack, EW. I can see your―
ADAM (high pitch scream. Runs to bush and covers himself with leaves): These leaves are too small!
EVE (rolls eyes): Adam, they’re fine.
ADAM (runs to fig tree and acquires bigger leaves): Nice and big. That’s better.
EVE covers herself in leaves as well.
ADAM (looks at EVE and hardens expression, wearing quite the grimace): You did this to me.
EVE (confused): What? You’re a crazy person.
ADAM (slowly growing more maniacal): You did this to me! And now I feel this horrible, soul-eating shame! You just had to have your hands on something new, didn’t you.
EVE (keeps her calm): What? Don’t blame this on me, you ate the God-forsaken thing too.
ADAM (gasps. covers mouth): Do not say that word!
EVE (Chill af) : Don’t be such a hyacinth, how the hell was I supposed to know the snake was evil?
ADAM breaks down into really, really ugly tears.
ADAM (stutters through the sobbing): I can’t believe I EVER trusted you! I told you the rules and now we’re R U I N E D.
EVE (openly laughing at ADAM): Yo, we’ve known each other for only, like, a day. We’ve only had one date — you didn’t even pay for dinner, God did.
ADAM (one tear streaming down his face): I can’t believe I loved you! You have screwed me!
EVE: Okay fine, then I’m literally out.
ADAM (clearly insane, shaking): You have screwed me and now you must live the rest of your days in my servitude.
EVE (raises eyebrows, crosses arms): uh, what…
GOD: wtf guys.